The Strategic Retreat

10 Celebrities Who Should Have Died Young

Some people overstay their welcome. Like the house guest thats great for the first few days but eventually drinks all the beer and won’t get off your couch, some celebrities just stick around too long. Whether they become drunks, failures, criminals, perverts or worst of all; George Lucases (Luci?), later actions ruin their legacy. Below are the top 10 celebrities who could have been remembered fondly, if only they left in the year suggested.

10. Orson Welles: 1942


What he was: The 20-something writer, director, producer and star of “Citizen Kane”.

What he became: An embarrassment, a drunk and punchline.

9. Elvis Presley: 1963


What he was: A dynamic heart-throb who transcended musical genres.

What he became: A pill-popping, Nixon-loving, fat, slurring, impotent pedophile.

8. O.J. Simpson: 1988


What he was: The Juice, Heisman Trophy winner, record-breaking sprinter, 2,000 yard NFL rusher, actor and all-around great guy.

What he became: Abusive husband, killer, liar, author, robber and bail violator. I could have let the first murder slide but he’s really piling it on.

7. Whitney Houston: 1991


What she was: Best selling solo artist, first female solo artist to hit #1, seven consecutive #1 singles. The woman was hip, hot and talented.

What she became: That chick who sings that one song that I hate. Also, she likes the crack.

6. Madonna: 1989


What she was: A young superstar who would crank out constant hits whilst being an unapologetic slut. Possibly the perfect woman.

What she became: A talentless, roided up, baby stealing, British Yoko with an Angelina complex

5. Michael Jackson: 1987


What he was: Musical prodigy, the heart of The Jackson 5, singer, song writer and one hell of a dancer.

What he became: A creepy, white, child molester who makes crappy music and statues of himself. Also, he stared in a video game where the main objective is to “collect” little children.

4. Courtney Love: 1994


What she was: The hot, talented, wife of my generation’s Elvis.

What she became: A drugged up Goldie Hawn from “Death Becomes Her“. Also, Billy Corgan wrote her songs and I’m pretty sure she killed Kurt.

3. Tom Cruise: 1992


What he was: Star of Taps, The Outsiders, Risky Business, Top Gun, The Color of Money, Rain Man and Born on the 4th of July. Amazing.

What he became: A psychology-bashing, closeted, high-heel wearing cultist who hasn’t made a good movie in 16 years. He also sues people a lot, so I’ll stop there.

2. Mel Gibson: 1998


What he was: A fresh-faced Australian star that mixed bad-boy good looks with stunning acting chops.

What he became: Not only crazy, but jew-hating crazy. That’s a big no-no in Hollywood. Plus, he’s not even Australian.

1. Paris Hilton: 1980


What she was: A beautiful little zygote with her whole life ahead of her.

What she became: The personification of everything wrong with America.

Narrowly missing the list; Olsen Twins: 2003, Brit Brit: 2000, Hitler: 1938

Those who knew how to leave em wanting more: JFK, James Dean, Buddy Holly, River Phoenix, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jesus.

About Jeff

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