The Strategic Retreat

10 Reasons Why You’ll Hate Me

Molly and Bela

As this website continues to develop you will eventually come to hate me. I’ve accepted this. Most people who don’t know me do indeed hate me. In real life I’m smart, charming, polite and generous but in real life people rarely address religion, politics or basically anything of consequence. This bothers me so I’ve strategically retreated to my own little world where such things can be discussed. And by “discussed” I mean, discussed by me with no feedback from you.

You may never learn to hate me but if you’re anything like most people you probably will. First off I’m a straight, white male. That pisses people right off. I have a dog and a cat, live in a major city (Portland), have great friends, a college degree and am marrying the girl I’ve been in love with since I was 14. This also pisses people off. People don’t like happy people, they don’t like people who live well and they sure as hell don’t like opinionated people. Here’s a short list of why people hate me. People don’t hate lists.

10. War

Pro-war people hate me because I am and always have been against the Iraq war. This is way less of a problem in 2008 Portland than it was in 2003 Wisconsin.

Anti-war people hate me because I am and always have been in favor of the Taliban war.

9. Government Spending

Liberals hate me because I don’t believe in spending money the country doesn’t has.

Conservatives hate me because I believe in raising taxes and lessening our global military presence.

8. Religion

believe on the lord

I think religion is silly. Yes, Moonbeam, even Wicca.

I think astrology, spiritualism, healing gemstones and holistic medicine are just as bad.

7. Money:

I don’t make a lot of money. This makes it hard for some middle to upper class people to relate to me.

I spend money frugally, save what little I have, don’t blame others for my situation and feel that I make enough to be happy and secure. This makes it hard for some poor people to relate to me.

6. Israel:

Fundamentalist Christians and many Jews get pissy that I don’t support Israel’s policies on expansion, water hoarding and civilian containment.

Anti-Semites get pissy that I don’t have anything against the Jewish people.

5. Gays

2007 pdx pride parade

Conservatives hate me because I don’t hate gay people. Homosexuality doesn’t really look like it’s a choice and it seems to me that hating people with gay is a lot like hating people with autism. You’re dealt the hand your dealt and all you can do is play it out.

Liberals hate me because I don’t fully embrace the modern gay culture. Also, I just equated gayness with autism. That doesn’t earn me any Portland points.

4. Welfare:

I’m opposed to most forms of welfare. If you’re an adult you should get water, a sleeping tube and some bachelor chow. That’s it.

I support publicly funded meals, clothes and health care for children. I also believe that troubled schools should be drastically overhauled and that kids with poor parents should have the same educational opportunities as kids with rich parents.

3. Immigration:

day laborers

I sympathize with illegal immigrants, have no problem with Hispanic people and my great grandfather came here illegally.

I don’t believe there are jobs that Americans won’t do. I do believe that, unless the goal is to level out wages globally, some kind of plan must go into effect.

2. Height

I’m shorter than the average bear. Significantly so. People hate short men, they even pay us less money for equal work. Sure, some short men are tolerated, those who accept their given role in society as being less than equal, but not me. I fall into the most hated sub group of short men; neither a Napoleon nor a stepping stool. I don’t try to overcompensate for being short nor do I wish to be tall. I am who I am and I recognize that the only short coming to my height is your attitude about it.

1. Serotonin

I don’t have enough of it. People hate people with major depression. Not enough insulin? Here’s a friggin parade. Not enough serotonin? Let’s yell at you.

Just missed: campaign finance reform, guns, graffiti, free speech, affirmative action, Peta, bicycles, polygamists, universal health care, mainstream media and MacGyver.

This is really just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I’m opinionated and not in a popular Limbaugh/Franken kind of way. I’m opinionated in a way that will piss you and your worst enemy off in the same breath. I don’t try to be offensive but it happens. If you continue to read my website at some point you will probably be offended. Fair warning.

About Jeff

I write a lot of things about a things. Feel free to comment with suggestions.