The Strategic Retreat

5 Signs That Autistics Are Vampires

Vampire Sheldon

Many ancient myths are based in fact. Manatees were mistaken for mermaids, the city of Troy turned out to be more truth than legend and zombies were actually just drugged Haitians. Like the aforementioned bath-salted Hispaniolas, vampires do exist; they’ve just been exaggerated in popular literature and movies. Vampires are, in fact, high functioning autistics.

As Joss Whedon said, “Every vampire fiction reinvents vampires to its own needs. You take what you want.” And this is how we disassociated vampires from their Aspergers origin, by adding slight exaggerations for the purpose of story-telling.

What, until recently, was called Aspergers -and is now considered high functioning autism- is actually vampirism. I can’t really fault the DSM for this one, it’s the bible of a soft science after all. Blaming the DSM for faults in psychology is like blaming a Wiccan spell book because you failed to enchant. It’s not really the book’s fault that you still believe in magic. Still, the vagueries, cultural biases and pseudo science found within the DSM would make any vampire recoil in horror at the unprecise use of language and classifications. So, I’m just doing my part to get the word out. Hopefully by the DSM 5-R they’ll correct this little oversight, add vampirism to the autism spectrum and be able to move on to other things. Like fixing the vast list of other things wrong with the DSM.

I assume the American Psychiatric Association will contact me for further information on diagnosing the vampirism level of the Autism scale but until then, here are 5 signs showing that autistics are really vampires.


1. Tendency toward compulsion and ritual

Like mythical vampires, people with Aspergers are often compulsive and prone to rituals. They can have specific dislikes; crosses, mirrors and garlic are all things autistics don’t care for. They can also have very specific preference; wearing capes, for example.

a need for routine around daily activities such as meals or bedtime. Routines can become almost ritualistic in nature, having to be followed precisely with attention paid to the tiniest details.”

The above can often manifest itself in needing to go to bed at the same time every day. Sunrise is a very popular time for autistic slumber, as is wishing to sleep in a particular bed type. Like something coffiny.

Along with vampires of legend, people with aspergers often have arithmomania, compulsive counting, needing to count every grain of rice before moving on.

“verbal rituals, with a person repeatedly asking the same questions and needingĀ a specific answer”

It’s known that people with Aspergers won’t enter your home unless specifically invited.


2. Often overwhelmed by stimuli

Like fictional vampires, modern day Vampergers avoid sunlight. Bright lights, loud noises and even too much color can be painful for our modern day vampires.

Brahm Stoker described a Vamspergers of the past as wearing no color than black. The stimuli of colors is too much for them.

“Within, stood a tall old man, clean shaven save for a long white moustache, and clad in black from head to foot, without a single speck of colour about him anywhere.

It’s believed that this is a side-effect of one of their super powers. Autistics see movement twice as fast as a non-vampire. Because of this additional power, taking in all that information so quickly can overwhelm unless other stimuli are muted.

Because people with autism can hear/smell/see things at a speed and depth that others can’t -and are often impervious to pain- they must be trained to harness their powers. Until an elder vampire can train them they should dress completely in black, completely avoid sunlight and not cross running water. The sound of running water can be quite upsetting, plus; we’ve all seen Rainman. Autistics, just don’t like running water. Until this training is complete it will be difficult for vampires to blend in with the humans around them.


3. Peculiar Language use

Vampires don’t use language like you or I. They are overly literal, prone to repetition, verbosity, have abrupt transitions and have difficulty with nuance.

As I mentioned earlier, people with autism will not enter your home unless invited. But the corollary to this is once you invite them they will always assume to be invited. They are very literal, and a welcome is a welcome.

He may not enter anywhere at the first, unless there be some one of the household who bid him to come, though afterwards he can come as he please.

In addition to being too literal they may also take to purple prose and a bit of fancy talk. A person with Aspergers is likely to be overly formal or use outdated language. Instead of a simple welcome a person with Aspergers is likely to say something like,

“Once again…welcome to my house. Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring.”


4. Little empathy

Vampires are not the most empathetic people. This can be seen in both fictional vampires or in real life vampires. Although real life Autistic vampires like Jeffrey Dahmer and Adolf Hitler both lacked empathy, only one actually feasted on the blood of others. So, you shouldn’t automatically assume somebody with autism will attempt to drain you of blood. Only some real vampires are out to use us for sustenance.


5. Immortal and difficult to kill

This is the one point where fiction and fact slightly diverge. But, that’s Hollywood for you, they’re always meddling with true stories. The fact is, people with Aspergers do not actually live forever. They just seem to because they’re so damn annoying.

As far as means of destruction, that’s pretty spot on; staked heart, decapitation, dismemberment, immolation… All kill vampires of legend and people with Aspergers.*

As you can see, there’s actually no difference between having Aspergers and having vampirism. Sure, people on the autism spectrum probably don’t turn into bats or have retractable fangs but other than those embellishments it’s quite clear that what we now think of as Aspergers is just another word for vampire. Hopefully medical diagnoses can soon catch up to the obvious facts so vampires can get the care and tasty blood that they deserve.

*Don’t try this out, just take my word for it.

About Jeff

Jeff was born in the back of a War Game Store on the day the first Star Trek movie came out, to a computer programmer mother and a father who wrote the story for Dragon's Lair. Jeff has an MBA, a CSM, and a penchant for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.