The Strategic Retreat

San Jose, California

San Jose from Eagles Rock

I recently moved to San Jose, California. It sucks balls. To be clear, it doesn’t suck balls in a good way. Like; “hey honey, I like the way you’re sucking my balls”. Or, I’m a dude who’s really into other dudes and I’m going to go out and suck some balls tonight, can’t wait. No, it sucks balls in a bad way. Like, I’m me; Jeff, who does not want to suck balls but due to bad life decisions and unfortunate events I’m stuck in San Jose, sucking balls*.

And, who knows; maybe I have a bad attitude about it. Maybe it’s not the ball sucking that bothers me, maybe it’s the owner of said balls. Maybe in some alternate reality I don’t mind sucking balls. Still, I’d have to imagine I’d demand said balls be clean and shorn which these balls certainly are not.These are not the balls of the city of Portland or the city-state of Singapore; these are San Jose balls. They are filthy, hairy balls that belong to somebody with a bad temperament who probably would have pushed me into a puddle in grade 3. These balls are probably the balls of a Raiders fan. Not the balls I would choose to suck if I chose to suck balls.

But that’s what happens. Slack off for a few years then lose your job to illness a few years after getting your shit together, try to ride out a bad economy by having Asian adventures until the wheels fall off and you too may find yourself being tea-bagged by San Jose. And, oh well; that’s my lot in life. I can either sit here and complain about sucking balls or I can get off my ass, get my resume and B-school apps together and try to get out of the ball sucking game altogether. Or, at least find a less offensive set of balls to suck. Maybe Seattle, or San Francisco or even back to Portland. I guess it could be worse, I could be living in Sacramento.

*No actual balls have been sucked.

About Jeff

Jeff was born in the back of a War Game Store on the day the first Star Trek movie came out, to a computer programmer mother and a father who wrote the story for Dragon's Lair. Jeff has an MBA, a CSM, and a penchant for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.